


I Think He Knows

by ginnympotter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Hogwarts Seventh Year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22688278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginnympotter/pseuds/ginnympotter
Summary: Lily has lost her subtlety, so why not lose her inhibitions as well?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 27
Kudos: 252





	I Think He Knows

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this fanfiction was inspired by the line "I think he knows his hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it's mine" from "I Think He Knows" by Taylor Swift; then it kind of just took on a life of its own. Hope you enjoy :)

Had she never realized how strong and tan his hands were before?

For the life of her, she could not stop staring at them.

Well, most of the time. Her eyes occasionally flickered to his face. But he was talking to Marlene about strategy or whatnot, and she knew if Marlene caught her staring at his face for too long she would embarrass her. His hands were safe, because for all they knew she could just be zoning out. But, lord, was she zoning in.

His fingers were long and his nails were surprisingly clean considering he had just played a two-hour Quidditch match. She wondered how many blisters and calluses were on his palm. His hands must be twice the size of her own, because her hand barely fits halfway around her glass, while his grasp fully encircled it. She saw droplets from the condensation dripping under his fingers, but he kept his grip firm, so much so that his veins were becoming more and more defined. 

Someone cleared their throat above her.

Before she could will herself to look away and up, they plopped down on the couch next to her.

“You might need some lessons in subtlety, Evans.”

She forced herself to turn to him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Sirius snorted, placing his empty butterbeer bottle on the table. “You were staring, for the seventieth time, the past hour alone. Day by day you are losing tact, my friend.”

“I was zoning out,” she defended herself automatically, trying to maintain eye contact with Sirius without breaking.

“More like daydreaming.” 

“Zoning out, daydreaming, whatever you want to call it-“

“-All right, fantasizing more like it.”

“Excuse me-“

“I was standing here for a solid minute before I made my presence known. You were practically drooling looking at his _hands_ ,” he laughed, taking the glass from her and taking a sip for himself. 

“Definitely fantasizing. Wishing that instead of his hand being around that glass it was around your thro-“

Lily clapped her hand over his mouth. “There are people around,” she muttered through gritted teeth as he continued to snicker. She noticed Sirius’s eyes flicker towards James and she allowed herself permission to look momentarily too, and both he and Marlene were giving them a curious glance. 

“Ooh, making him jealous?” Sirius mumbled against her hand, drawing her attention back to him. “Smart, smart. Never knew you were devious though, but you both have been playing at this for months to no avail so I guess desperate times call for desperate measures-“

She removed her hand and used it to punch his arm instead. “Oh, shut it.”

“I won’t say anything to him,” he assured her, not even flinching at her attempts to harm him. "I mean, I don't have to. At this point, your subtlety is so far gone that I think he knows."

“I still have no clue what you’re talking about, Sirius,” she shrugged, failing to be nonchalant. “So, great match today. Saw you hit that bludger right at Rosier. Very satisfying.”

Sirius downed the rest of Lily’s drink before placing it next to his empty butterbeer bottle. “Of course you saw that play.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? Of course I saw it, I watched the entire match.”

Sirius smirked as he patted her shoulder sympathetically. “That particular bludger hit was when I saved it from nearly crushing your boyfriend’s skull-“

“He’s not my boyfriend-“

“Not yet, at least,” he retorted, ruffling her hair. “You’re blushing.”

She groaned, closing her eyes and covering her face as she dramatically fell onto her back on the red sofa. “Maybe if I blush enough it’ll match my hair and the couch and then I’ll just blend in and no one will remember I exist, including you.” 

“He won’t forget,” Sirius said quietly, and she could feel him standing up. He patted her knee before she heard him begin to walk away.

“Good, leave me!” she shouted after him. She thought she heard his footsteps dying away, but then she heard more approaching her again. “I thought I just _told_ you-“

She opened her eyes and saw James Potter standing above her, his glasses a bit askew, still holding his drink.

“Oh,” she said, feeling her face heat up again. 

“Huh,” James surveyed her. “Looks like you could blend in with the couch.”

She attempted a smile, now her entire body heating up. “That was the goal.”

He gazed at her for a moment, smiling back. Lily quickly sat up- perhaps too quickly, as she suddenly became lightheaded, although maybe that was just being so close to James- and made some room for him. “Thanks,” he said quietly and sat so close to her that their legs would be touching if she moved just a centimeter closer. “You enjoy the match?” 

“Of course I did. You were brilliant as always,” she said automatically, and then felt her stomach drop. Sirius was right; she was not subtle at all. 

But maybe James did not notice, because he responded, “It was a team effort, really,” all bashful.

“Pft. James Potter? Being modest?” she laughed, bumping her shoulder against his. “Never thought I’d see the day.” 

He shrugged. “Miracles happen all the time.”

“C’mon, Potter,” she said as she turned to face him properly and folded her legs into a pretzel. “You got more than half of Gryffindor’s goals, and that interception between Regulus and Mulciber? Top-notch.”

He smiled, and _oh no_ , that gleam of confidence sparked in his eye, always a dangerous sign. One that she unwillingly brought back on, but, _dear god_ , was it attractive. “Keeping tabs on me, Evans?” 

“It’s just called paying attention,” she played off, picking at a piece of lint on her trousers. “Something you wouldn’t know anything about.”

“I know a lot about paying attention,” he countered, and Lily could see through her peripherals James leaning back more comfortably into the sofa and stretching his free arm out over the top of it, his hand resting quite close to her shoulder. His other was still gripping his glass, Lily knew, but she continued to pick at any stray lint on her clothing. She could feel him staring at her. “Maybe not in class,” he amended, “but I don’t _need_ to, anyway.” 

“Ah, there he is,” she said, looking back up at him. “We get it, you’re so naturally talented in everything you do, all hail Head Boy Potter, we are not worthy.”

“Can’t argue with the truth,” he sighed. “Although, the Head Girl could give him a run for his money.”

“Hell yeah, I could.”

James laughed, ruffling his hair. “In charms and potions, sure. But Transfiguration? Good luck.” 

Lily scoffed, jabbing one of her feet at the side of his thigh. “That’s only because you have favoritism on your side. You see McGonagall practically crying tears of joy in the stands before? All in the name of Quidditch.”

“Oh, and you don’t have old Sluggy in the palm of your hands? Please-“ 

“But that’s because of my innovative potion-making and my vibrant personality, not because I’m helping Slytherin win the cup-“ 

“It’s not all about Quidditch-“

Lily gasped dramatically. “Not all about Quidditch? Potter…are you alright?”

“Oh, boy. That’s not what I-“

She reached a hand out and put it against his forehead. “You must be ill. Maybe you should go to Pomfrey-“

James’s smile then lit up his face, and as his dimples emerged Lily suddenly felt like the heat from his forehead shot through her hand into her body. She attempted to bring her hand back into her lap, but James moved his arm from the top of the couch and caught it, held her hand firmly in his own, and kept speaking, as if the gesture was nothing at all. “What I _meant_ was,” he said as he interlaced their fingers casually, and _dear Lord,_ his hand _was_ so much bigger than hers. “I have achieved Transfiguration feats that well exceed N.E.W.T. level.”

Lily became momentarily distracted, as she marveled at how utterly _natural_ it felt for them to be holding hands. Why had they never held hands before? She exhaled pleasantly as the warmth from his fingers spread over hers, trying to stop herself from closing her eyes to just revel in it. And then she tuned back in, realizing what James was implying. The only reason she even knew James was an Animagus was because Remus told her last year once she finally admitted to him that she figured out he was a werewolf in fourth year. She cocked her head to the side, giving James an accusatory look. “And _illegal_ ,” she whispered. 

“I’m sorry, illegal? You must’ve meant to say admirable. They kind of sound similar, I can see how you might mix them up.”

Lily snorted, despite the fact that she _did_ find it admirable, sickeningly so - and then gulped as James squeezed her hand tighter right before she spoke. “And what was that Sirius said when we talked about it last? Something about if Peter could pull it off anyone could? Which was mean, by the way.”

“I didn’t say it!”

“You agreed!”

“Not everyone is as lucky as Peter to have two transfiguration masters as their best mates, so he had significant help, I’d say.”

“It’s not too tough to chew a leaf, I would think.”

“You are completely oversimplifying the entire process,” James accused her. “And if it’s as easy as that, why don’t you become one?”

“It’s illegal.”

“Not if you register.”

“I have no need for it,” she said and, on a delayed reflex, squeezed his hand back before she could stop herself. “You lot had good reason, I’ll give you that.”

“Admirable reasons, one might say!” he reminded her. “Let’s say you did: what do you think you’d be?”

Lily pondered the question for a moment. “I just thought of something. Aren’t all three of your Animagus forms the same as your corporeal patronuses?”

“Correct,” James confirmed.

“So I guess mine would be a doe, then, wouldn’t it?”

“Not definitely, but probably, yes,” he said, his voice suddenly quiet and raspy. “And mine is a stag, the doe’s mate for life. So we’re a perfect fit in all forms. Fancy that, huh?”

Despite the fact that, yes, she did quite fancy that, she rolled her eyes at him as he raised his glass with his other hand to his smirking lips and took a sip. Lily felt like she was going mad; his hand and his lips in one frame? And the other hand holding hers? Through the glass she could see James eyeing her curiously. He lowered it slowly, surveying her. “You want some?” he offered, holding it out to her.

Maybe Sirius was right; they’d been playing at this for too long. And too often, really. Ever since the Easter holidays in sixth year when she confided in him and he comforted her and they became actual mates and then she found herself disgustingly obsessed. And then ever since they got those badges she’s used every excuse to be near him, and they began waiting for each other every morning in the common room to go down to breakfast together, an unspoken agreement that started about two weeks into term. And they’d spent the majority of the time on their rounds eating food James nicked from the kitchen and talking about the war and family but then eventually laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe, and she valued their friendship so much but _man_ she did not want to do to her friends the things she was imagining doing to him.

She needed some courage, so she took James’s glass out of his stupidly large hand and chugged what was left of it.

“Whoa, there, Evans!” he said, taking the glass from her as she drank the last drop, and then placed it on the table beside them. And then, leaning in a bit, he whispered in a mocking tone, “You’re supposed to be setting an _example_!”

Lily ignored this as she let the aftertaste of the firewhiskey settle and admired the closeness of James’s face to hers, examining his features. He was looking at her with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. “Something you want to say?”

She shook her head, rubbing her thumb gently across the back of his hand. She looked at him determinedly. “The All Powerful Potter can’t master legilimency?” 

“I’m an amateur legilimens,” he joked. “What rank of occlumens are you?” 

“You tell me.” 

“Hm,” he started as he looked at her quizzically. She _wanted_ him to read her mind to save her the embarrassment of actually initiating this thing, and if Sirius’s word meant anything, and if her longing for him was as obvious as it felt, she thought he might already know that she wanted to jump his bones, anyway. He was studying her, and as her eyes strayed from his face back to his hands, one entangled with hers, the other one free on his lap, he followed her gaze. And before she knew it, his hand was on her thigh. He gave it a gentle squeeze, and she looked up at him. The expression on his face was as if he was waiting for an answer, or permission. She nodded and bit her lip, and he chuckled, causing her heart to skip several beats and leap up into her throat. “Not too bad of an occlumens,” he mumbled, still leaning closer. “But I don’t think you’re trying too hard.”

“Nope,” she replied honestly, offering a smile.

He returned a nervous smile to her, breathed in sharply as if trying to restrain himself, and then eventually said, “Let’s get out of here, yeah?”

“Okay,” she said, and without letting go of his hand, released her leg from James’s grasp and stood up. “Where we gonna go?”

James sat there, rooted to the couch cushion for a moment. At first it seemed as if he thought she was joking, but then he gulped, and stood up too, tightening his hold on her hand even more so. His eyes quickly darted from her face towards the boys’ staircase and back. “If that’s ok,” he added when she didn’t respond but instead looked as if she was searching the room intently.

She nodded. “I just want to make sure Sirius is distracted before he catches us and announces our whereabouts to the entire school.”

“Good thinking,” he told her, and began to search as well. He spotted him quickly. He nudged Lily gently, and jerked his head towards the far right corner so that Lily could see Sirius pouring butterbeer down Peter’s throat as Remus sat there shaking his head while rubbing his temples and Marlene and Mary counted loudly. “I think we’re safe.”

Lily found herself torn between giggling and groaning at the sight, but ultimately either option was wasting time she could be using dragging James up the boys’ staircase. So she marched towards it, doing just that. With one final check behind them, they began climbing the stairs until they reached the fourth floor with the door that said _Seventh Years._

James smiled at her nervously as he held the door open, and Lily did not hesitate. She let her eyes scan the beds, and it was easier than she thought. She pointed towards the second bed to the left, completely unmade with 3 pillows and a Puddlemore United poster above the headboard. “That one, innit?”

She heard James make some vague noise of confirmation after he closed the door, although maybe trying to disguise the fact that he also clicked in the lock. She kicked off her trainers and lied down right in the middle. She was smart enough to know it wasn’t the little firewhiskey she had a few minutes before making her do this, but something definitely came over her to the point where she no longer cared what she did or how it was perceived. It could have been the lack of audience, but she preferred not to think too hard about it as she stretched out and inhaled deeply, thoroughly overwhelmed and pleased by James’s scent all over the sheets.

“Make yourself at home, why don’t you?” James said, amused, still standing by the door. 

“I have, thank you,” she replied. “Why don’t _you_?”

James rolled his eyes and kicked off his own trainers. He walked over to his four-poster and stood by the frame. “How’d you know this one was mine?”

“Easy,” she started. “For one thing, you seem like an unmade-bed type of guy.”

“Should I be insulted?”

“Yes. We’re seventeen, not seven.”

“I mean, what’s the point of making it if I’m just going to go right back under the covers anyway?”

“Two,” she continued, ignoring him, “the Puddlemore United poster was a dead giveaway.”

James crossed his arms, and although she felt temporarily distracted by this, as his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, exposing his forearms, she did hear him say, “Peter supports them too. He has _two_ posters.”

“But here’s the thing,” Lily said, and she sat up slowly, pushing herself backward towards the headboard and away from his tempting forearms. “Yours was the only bed with three pillows.”

“I- excuse me?” James looked at her in disbelief. “How did you- huh?”

“Just the other week, the four of you were having such a heated debate about it at lunch, remember?” James’s stare was intense, and she felt as if it was burning through her cheeks. She gestured to the other beds as a means of looking away and regaining her composure, but her voice sounded compromised as she spoke. “Peter and Remus are both normal, so they sleep with two pillows. You went on to call Sirius a madman for only sleeping with one pillow, and then he expanded saying he pushes the pillow away right as he is about to fall asleep, so he practically sleeps with none.”

“Which _is_ mad!” James interjected, his arms loose and flailing in exasperation. “And he _claims_ it’s better for your back, but that’s bullocks because he complains about his back at least twice a day. At least!”

Lily laughed at James’s indignation. “I didn’t say I necessarily disagree with you. But I don’t disagree with Sirius either about your way. I mean, are three pillows really necessary?”

“Yes, they are, in fact!”

Lily turned her head, made sure the 3 pillows were stacked nicely, fluffled them a bit, then situated herself as she was going to sleep, putting the covers over her legs and laying her head against the pillows. She closed her eyes, lying there for a moment, but it was only moments later that her eyes flew open and she groaned. “This is absolutely awful for your neck, and extremely uncomfortable.”

“You’re just not using them right,” he murmured.

Lily shifted herself forward and to the right side of the bed, took all 3 pillows in her arms, and held them out for James. “So show me.”

He surveyed her, then put a hand through his hair. He sighed. “Alright, Evans. But don’t make fun.”

“Oh, I will.”

He took a few steps forward and plopped down on the vacant side of the bed. Without speaking, he lied down on his side to face Lily. He took the first pillow and put it between his knees. He took the second pillow and put it under his head. The last pillow he held in his own arms, hugging it.

“That’s it?” she asked, her eyebrows raised. “But your head is only on one pillow, anyway! Your criticism towards Sirius is completely hypocritical!”

“But he still pushes his away, basically sleeping with none!” he fought back. “And the other pillows are necessary.”

“How so?”

“Pillow between the knees is good for a bad back,” he explained. 

Lily laughed, grabbing the pillow James was holding from him. “And this one?”

James cleared his throat, his cheeks turned pink. “You really can’t make fun.”

“I already told you I will. So tough. Tell me,” she said, hugging it to her chest.

He nudged his head forward. “For that.”

She raised an eyebrow, looking from his face to the pillow in her arms. “To....cuddle it?”

“Listen, I just hate sleeping alone,” he said quickly, looking away from her, now. “And at home I always have our cat, but Mum and Dad don’t let me bring him here, so I’m forced to use a pillow. Happy?”

Lily tried her best to suppress a giggle, she really did. But it bubbled out, and the pink in James’s face was turning three shades darker as he took the pillow out from between his legs and stacked it on top of the one under his head before turning to lie flat on his back again. “No, it’s sweet, James.”

“You’re laughing.”

“It can be sweet and laughable at the same time,” she told him, and she suddenly realized how close they were, and that they were lying in his bed. _You’re a Gryffindor,_ she reminded herself, _it’s now or never._ “But let me ask you something.”

“What?”

“Does Sirius get jealous?” 

He turned his gaze back to her, puzzled. “Of…?”

“Of your cat! I mean, why doesn’t he just transform into a dog and cuddle you at night while you’re here? I’d think when you’re both at the Potter residence there’d be a rivalry, no?”

James laughed heartily. “There is, but believe it or not Sirius likes cats. When he transforms into Padfoot at my house he and my cat have the best time together, it’s mental. And besides, Sirius is not really a physical affection kind of bloke.”

“So all you’ve got is your pillow to hold here, huh.”

“Sadly,” he sighed dramatically.

Lily casually dropped the pillow she was holding in her arms over her shoulder and off the edge of the bed. “That can be remedied, I think.”

And before James could have the time to process her words, she scooted over to him, put her head on his chest, draped a leg over one of his and an arm around his torso, burying her face into his shirt, letting herself do something she so desperately wanted to for ages.

At first it felt like James’s entire body went rigid, but after about three seconds, it relaxed completely, as his legs locked with hers and he brought one arm around her and the other towards her head, his fingers gently combing through her hair. Lily shivered at his touch, moving her face up into the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply, as if she was about to run out of air for good. 

After a few still and precious moments, Lily let herself exhale. “Better than the pillows?” she asked meekly.

James’s chest shook as he chuckled lightly. “Much.”

“Good,” she said, satisfied but now paralyzed. This was good. Almost too good. And she didn’t want to risk moving a single limb and losing it all, despite the ache throughout her body pleading for more of him.

Luckily for her, James was a risk taker. He stopped running his fingers through her hair and instead cradled her head, pulling it back so that her face would lift, and she could see him. And he looked excitedly determined, the same way he looked on the Quidditch pitch, a golden sparkle in his hazel eyes behind his spectacles. She suddenly felt the need to say something to him. She didn’t know what, exactly, and he most likely knew whatever she was feeling, but she tried anyway. “James-”

She barely got his full name out before he swooped down, his lips pressing urgently against hers. And all attempts at speaking were suddenly forgotten as she pushed her face upward and threw herself into the kiss. She didn’t even care that she might break his glasses from trying to close any amount of space left between their faces, nor did he. His lips were chapped but they felt electric against hers, and she moved a hand up to cup his face, pressing kiss after kiss to his eager mouth. She felt her heart swell bigger with each one, unable to fully believe that this was actually, finally happening, and she knew it couldn’t be a dream this time, because this was _far_ better than how it felt in her dreams. He shifted under her so that he was back on his side and they were facing each other again. No kiss was ever enough, but after a minute or so the urgency settled down, and James began to kiss her more softly yet firm, one hand still in her hair, the other resting on her hip. He suddenly moved his mouth over her cheek, her jaw, down to her neck, staying there for quite a bit, but Lily still felt like they weren’t close enough. 

James must have been a better legilimens than he let on, because he then moved his lips back to hers, and opened his mouth slightly, as she did too, and their tongues met, and Lily thought that her entire body must have been on fire by now, as she moaned at the feel of him, and James let out a soft moan almost simultaneously. And they both laughed, and then James pulled away to properly laugh. 

“Stop laughing,” she choked out, though she was unsure how she even found words, and she leaned back into him, kissing his laughing mouth. He kissed her back briefly before pulling away again. She groaned. “Would you quit-”

“Just give me a second,” he said gruffly, but she opened her eyes and found him grinning. “Trying to preserve this moment in my brain forever.”

“Well, I’m trying to make _new_ moments over here, if you’d please.”

But that just made James laugh even harder. But now looking at him laughing, well, she supposed he didn’t have to stop yet. His laugh was almost as glorious as his kiss. She smiled, and he looked at her in a way no one had ever looked at her before.

“As you wish,” he responded, flashing a wicked smile back before crushing his mouth back to hers, and she shortly learned how much glory of his kiss was left to be discovered as she parted her lips again and allowed his tongue to enter her mouth, and they both moaned again, all laughs left behind.

As they continued to kiss for the next few minutes, James slowly began to let his hand on her hip wander the small of her back beneath her shirt, and she took that as a green light for her hands to wander too. She put one hand on his chest, and moved the one on his face to his hair instead, allowing herself to feel his hair through her fingers like she’d so often see him do when ruffling his hair to look like he’d just gotten off his broom, or when he _did_ just get off his broom. Her nails lightly grazed his scalp and she felt him shiver as he let out a sound of approval against her. _She_ giggled now, and pulled away briefly to let him in on the secret. “I’ve always wanted to do that,” she whispered triumphantly. 

She opened her eyes again to see an unreadable expression on James’s face. “Not _always_ ,” he replied as he exhaled, and then looked at her- _really_ looked at her. And she knew what she wanted to say now.

“James,” she said, gripping the collar of his shirt, trying to regain breath control. “You must know how I…how I feel about you...I mean, I practically dragged you up here to seduce you. I don’t do that with just anyone.”

“I know,” he answered with a hint of a smile. “But it’s hard to just...forget sometimes.”

“Well, it’s not my fault you were a conceited git in fifth year,” she responded, and she did not let herself feel guilty saying it. “Sorry, but that’s just the truth.”

“I know it is,” he muttered, looking a bit ashamed of himself. He looked away from her and past her shoulder, thinking hard. She let the silence sit until he spoke again. “I guess I’m worried that...that perception of me you had- or the memory of who I once was- might always be there.”

“Well, it will be,” she responded bluntly, taking hold of his chin and making him face her again. “But that’s not a bad thing-”

“Sorry,” he interrupted her, rubbing her back. “I didn’t mean to bring this up tonight. I didn’t mean to say this at all ever, actually. I don’t know why I’d remind you of it, anyway-”

She cut him off by pulling his face towards hers and kissing him again, though she forced herself to pull away in order to finish her thought. “Shut up and just listen. I was _saying_ that it’s not a bad thing because some people never change- I mean, we all have the capacity to, but so few actually take a good look at themselves and actually _do_ it, and knowing that you have is....it’s just something special.”

“But there’s still some of those parts of me that _haven’t_ changed, you know?” He sighed, leaning his forehead against hers. “And what if when you see those, you…” he drifted off, threading his fingers through her hair again. 

Lily closed her eyes at the feel of his touch. “But I’ve seen them already,” she told him, letting go of his chin and placing her hand on his shoulder. “Both now and then. I mean...I’m a bit obsessed with you, really.” James snorted, but she kept going. “I didn’t think I’d have to tell you that. I thought you knew.”

“I knew a bit,” he admitted, and though her eyes were closed, she could feel him smiling now. “Sirius said as much, anyway.”

“Of course he did.”

“But it seemed too good to be true,” he almost whispered. “So thanks for telling me.”

Lily opened her eyes and kissed his forehead. “You’re welcome. My point being, I know all the good and the bad. And I still want you. Ergo, the seducing bit.”

James’s smile was positively dazzling at those words. “You sure it’s not just the firewhiskey talking?”

“Don’t be stupid,” she scoffed. “I barely had any.”

“Well, it’s not like you were the only unsubtle one here. I’ve never once bothered hiding it. Couldn’t if I tried. So why didn’t you try the seducing bit before now? ”

She raised her eyebrows at him as the hand on her back moved lower down towards her waist. “I think the real question is why hadn’t _you_?”

He attempted a frown at her and reminded her, “I mean, _I_ was the one who held your hand tonight first.” The smile quickly returned. “And I initiated the first kiss. And we are here in my bed. Maybe the seduction efforts were equal and we’re giving you too much credit here. I’d like an equal share.”

Lily rolled her eyes, feeling impatient. She wanted answers, too. “Before tonight, then.”

James pulled her closer to him and maneuvered them so that he was on his back again, and she was cradled against him. “I’d been rejected by you many times-“

“I mean this term! Not back then-“

“But as just revealed,” he said. “I am clearly still wounded by those rejections.”

“Boo hoo.”

He chuckled, pinching her side. “I just...wanted to be sure,” he told her. “I guess when I started to feel like you might fancy me, I tried convincing myself that it couldn’t be true… I didn’t want to get my hopes up, so I started making excuses as to why it couldn’t be real, or permanent... maybe it was just the Head Boy badge, or-“

“How can you think that?” she interrupted, looking up at him, exasperated. It made her heart sink ever so slightly at the thought that he’d think her feelings were anything but sincere. 

Noting the hurt in her voice, his hand found hers and he squeezed it tightly. “I didn’t _truly_ think it. Like I said, I just was trying to convince myself of it because I… I just didn’t know how many more rejections I could take.” He smiled softly as he intertwined their fingers. 

Keeping their hands linked, she (mostly) removed herself from James and sat back up. It was easier to think straight and articulate her thoughts when she wasn’t plastered up against James’s person, no matter how badly she wanted to return. James followed her lead, sitting up too and facing her, but keeping a respectable amount of space between their faces. She looked up into his, which was soft and still smiling, but she could see the shadows of doubt and fear still swimming in his eyes. “You weren’t the only one trying to avoid rejection, you know,” she whispered.

James looked at her in utter befuddlement. “What? In what world would I ever reject you?”

Lily did not answer, and instead looked down into her lap. 

He waited a moment, but when she failed to respond he said her name, “Lily,” with such gentleness and fondness that she could not help but look back up at him. “ _You_ must know how _I_ feel about you, don’t you?” he echoed her own words back to her from only moments ago. “I’ve been mental over you for _ages_! Years! Hell, I mean, I’m-“ but he cut himself off abruptly, shaking his head and closing his eyes.

“You’re what?”

He said nothing for a moment, and the silence was heavy, but he eventually opened his eyes and shook his head again. “Nothing. I just can’t believe you’d think that. Explain your logic to me.”

She sighed reluctantly, but supposed he deserved the truth. “It’s like you said,” she started. “You’ve fancied me for ages, and for most of that time, well, you didn’t _really_ know me, you know? Just this idea of me, prefect, top-marks Lily Evans who everyone assumed was perfect, and that her life is wrapped up in a neat bow...but that’s not all I am, that’s not even the half of it. That’s just what people see, or what they _think_ they see...And that’s the version of me you fancied for so long. But really I’m a mess whose sister hates her and who used to be best friends with someone who is probably a Death Eater now and I have deep-rooted self-esteem issues and I’m a picky eater and you’re right, I kind of do suck at Transfiguration, and I’m stubborn and...and what if it ends up being just about the chase? What if, you know, we _did_ date and you finally saw that I wasn’t always what you thought I was?”

He was looking at her very seriously. His eyes looked sad, half hurt, half concerned. “You’re right. You’re not always what I thought you were,” he said very softly.

“W-what?” she responded, her throat suddenly very dry. 

This was a mistake, this whole night. She wanted to run out, but she felt immobile. All she knew was that she couldn’t look at his face anymore or she’d cry. It was only a millisecond after she looked down at her knee that James used his free hand to grab her face and make her look right back at him. “You’re not always what I thought you were,” he repeated. Then he smiled. “You are... _so_ much more.”

“Oh,” Lily exhaled in relief, which made James smile harder. 

“Yeah, oh,” he said back. He lifted up their linked hands and kissed the back of hers, and then let go, so that both of his hands could be on either side of her face. “It’s just like you said about me. I’ve been lucky enough to have _seen_ a lot of those parts of you now. Actually being your friend and getting to _really_ know you, the good and the not-so-good...well, it made me want you even more. Everyday.”

“Me too,” Lily said.

He grazed his thumb gently across her cheek. “And that’s not going to go away. It’s not about the chase. It’s not about this picture-perfect idea of you. It’s about _you_. I promise you that. So no more doubts, ok?”

“No more doubts,” she agreed, and before she could stop herself she moved forward and kissed him, kissed him with everything she had, trying to convey what she couldn’t quite say. His hands moved into her hair as he kissed her back, taking control of the kiss, slowing it down, making Lily feel much more intoxicated than the firewhiskey could.

She moved herself on top of his lap, and his hands moved to her back as he pulled her closer to him. He deepened the kiss, and just after Lily responded he broke it off, putting his head on her shoulder, breathing heavily. “You alright?” she asked, scratching the back of his neck lightly. 

“Mhm,” he responded, lifting his head up, looking a bit dazed behind his fogged spectacles. He kissed her cheek, then put his chin back on her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her, embracing her tightly. She hugged him back, and she felt warm and whole. “I’m just happy,” he whispered.

“Me too.” She closed her eyes and leaned her face against his neck. 

They sat there, holding one another in silence for a while. Lily felt like she was in a trance, until James’s voice pulled her out of it. “Thank you.”

She lifted her head and pulled back a bit, though James’s arms were still firmly around her, but she was able to move just enough to be face-to-face again. “For what?”

And then he smiled brightly, and that boyish look she knew far too well shined through. “For seducing me.”

She laughed, and he laughed too, and the laughter was so infectious that she couldn’t stop, even when James shouted, “I’m serious!” which just made her laugh harder. He removed her from his lap and feigned offense as she lied down on her back, trying to recover. 

“You done?”

“Nearly,” she choked out. “I do have one question, though.”

“And what is that?”

She beckoned him over to her, and he obliged, lying on his side and facing her. She turned to him, and the warmth behind his features lit a fire inside her. “Can I be your girlfriend?”

James stared at her in amazement. “ _Can_ you?! Of-”

“Shit, sorry. _May I_ be your girlfriend?” she amended.

There was a brief pause, and then James threw his head back, laughing freely. “You are unbelievable, Evans,” he observed, looking back at her and shaking his head. “Yes, of course you _may_. As long as I get to be your boyfriend.”

“Reasonable condition,” she said, pretending to think about it for a moment. “Alright, sounds like a deal. Shake on it?”

Letting out a (fake) exasperated sigh, he shook her outstretched hand. 

“I look forward to doing business with you, Potter,” she said in her best impression of a professional, suppressing a giggle. 

James’s smile in return felt almost lyrical; it said so much with so little. He moved in quickly, leaning his forehead against hers. “Why don’t we get started immediately, yeah?”


End file.
